The Pitfalls Of Being A People Pleaser & Why It Happens
Becoming a people pleaser is an adaptation from childhood. Compliance, subservience, and doing things for other people is seen as a good thing. Love and acceptance is conditional. You have to shrink into a shadow of your authentic self, and give all to the people around you, before you even consider your own needs.
Self sacrifice is seen as a good thing. But is it really? Some psychologists claim “you will smile your way through hell”. If you can manage to look fine, you must be navigating the deep waters, regardless of the chaos churning underneath it all.
You bend over backwards, but it is never enough. It does not garner any respect, just more demands. You have no boundaries, because saying no is the opposite of compliance. If you are conditioned to being punished for saying no, or setting a boundary, you can quickly be dominated by those who push boundaries.
The basis for becoming a people pleaser is that you must succumb to what others want or expect of you, in order to be accepted. In other words, love and acceptance is conditional, and performance based.
You are not loved or accepted just for being who you are. In fact, you are not permitted to be who you are. The real you is taboo. People pleasing is about survival, yet it is ultimately self destructive. It brings disrespect, not respect. It opens the door to allow people to take advantage of you, like you have a bull’s eye on your forehead.
People who are prone to manipulating others seem to think their target is dumb, an easy mark, and deserving of being duped and coerced. If you can be manipulated into servitude, then you agreed, and must take responsibility for your own actions. This in essence is true. However breaking free of the bondage, and learning to say no – should not lead to punishment and rejection.
Although some manipulation is very sophisticated, more so, because we want to trust those we care about, we might be slow to fully comprehend the degree of manipulation, and gaslighting we are being exposed to.
In the case of the abuse of power by an authority figure, they gain power initially through various acts of dominance, to include threats of violence. Mostly they rely on psychological, emotional, and spiritual domination through shaming, repetition, thought control or brain washing, while maintaining an aura of superiority. If they can position, and establish themselves as an all encompassing authority figure early in your life, they can enforce this dominance over you for a lifetime. In other words, they own you.
Such a relationship is steeped in deception, with its origins veiled in secrecy. Truth dissects abuse of power, like a frog in a lab. Therefore truth is forbidden. It must be stifled at all costs. It empties you of who you are, and ironically, they are the ones who are stuffed shirts. They are filled with self-importance, and arrogance – yet are void of all understanding and integrity.
The authority figure is abusing power because he knows your background, and thus he is able to target your vulnerabilities. In my opinion, a person who abuses power over a child, while in a paid position of trust, is a most despicable character. Does such a person ever repent? I have no idea, but somehow I doubt it.
In time, and even intuitively at the onset of various schemes, we know in our heart what is going on. It is not about being dumb. It is about learned patterns of behaviour, in order to survive, avoid punishment, to be accepted, to get through school etc.
Part of our malleability stems from the denial of truth, because if we acknowledge truth in such situations, we must react, and do something about it. We are not intrinsically denying the truth of who we are, but rather, the deception is being forced upon us. The psychological trickery of an adult over a child, is sadistic and cruel. As a child, you know it is wrong, yet you are powerless.
The early childhood conditioning convinces us that setting a boundary, or saying no – means there will be a fight. We will get punished, dominated, and ultimately rejected in such a fight. It is a battle we cannot win, or at least never did win as a child, because we were weaker, and had no say.
Obedience to our parents is one thing, and is expected of children. But in some cases, it is not about parental obedience, but rather the abuse of power by authoritative figures, or by someone who is physically stronger.
Good or bad, we are all part of history. We have a place in our family history as well as societal, and biblical history. Even if we are blotted out, or kicked out of our family – that too, becomes part of history. Nothing can take away who we are, where we came from, and what God has planned for our life. Nor can anyone hide the truth from God. It is a relief to know God sees all, and is just.
Believers are part of God’s family. We are not discriminated against. We are not accepted based on works. We are forgiven by the grace of God, and our sincere belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
There is no worldly superiority in being a Christian. In fact, the opposite is true. There is no such thing as a “wonderful Christian” especially if it is a self ascribed. If a person has to describe themselves as such, chances are they are the opposite of what they claim. It’s just another one of many lies.
Pious and arrogant Christians are like the Pharisees described in the bible. They were supremely self-righteous, and thought they were morally superior. Ironically, they were seeking approval from men, not God, so they were examples of what it is to be a people pleaser in a self exalted sense. God has promised to give grace to the humble, and to bring down the proud.
James 4:8
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
Luke 14:11
11 For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.
Matthew 18:4
Proverbs 29:23
23 A man’s pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.
James 4:6
6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
James 4:10
10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
Colossians 3:23-25
23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
Deep down people pleasing is born of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of punishment, and fear of abandonment. There is also fear of being judged and condemned. Too boisterous, too talkative, too inquisitive, too sensitive. All these things must be hidden, or adapted so you can comply with what is expected of you.
So you smile when you are angry. You agree to do what you don’t want to do. You apologize for even attempting to set a boundary. You pretend everything is fine. Youth gives us the elasticity to bend ourselves into a pretzel. But after awhile, we don’t spring back. Instead we become brittle, and on edge. Resentment builds until our heart breaks into open rebellion.
People pleasing does not gain us any respect. It does just the opposite. It proves we can be easily manipulated, dominated and controlled. It ensnares us and robs us of who we are. It locks us into fear instead of love, which requires healthy boundaries, and authenticity.
Love is not based on fear. 1 John 4:17-18
If the blueprint for our life is set up to constantly meet the expectations of the people around us, we are not only sacrificing who we are, but more importantly we are shutting out the love of God, based on fear. We are putting others ahead of God, or even in place of God in our lives. We are giving over our true identity in Christ, to false and shallow expectations designed to keep us in line.
There are people who are adept at seeing through the childhood vulnerabilities, and quickly recognize you are an easy target. In fact, they may know very well you were dominated, controlled, and unable to set healthy boundaries. If so, that is exactly where they want to keep you.
After years of compliance, when you do finally set boundaries, the fear of rejection, abandonment and punishment becomes a reality. It is how we learn to overcome fear that is not based in love, but rather is rooted in dominance, control and deception.
We cannot be who and what someone else wants us to be. We cannot miraculously become a different person molded into a cast designed to keep us compliant, and accepting of lies.
Truth is central to love. Without truth, there is no trust. Without trust, we cannot love. A complete and mature love for God removes fear of punishment and judgement. We trust God, because we know he first loved us, and God is love. God demands truth for very good reasons. Even for those who think they can hide things from God, the bible is clear, no one can hide their motives, thoughts, or what is in their heart.
Hebrews 4:12-13
Psalms 139:1-4
1 (To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David.) O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
Proverbs 15:3
3 The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
Jeremiah 16:17
17 For mine eyes are upon all their ways: they are not hid from my face, neither is their iniquity hid from mine eyes.
Job 34:21-22
21 For his eyes are upon the ways of man, and he seeth all his goings.
22 There is no darkness, nor shadow of death, where the workers of iniquity may hide themselves.
There is no deception, including self deception that can be hidden from God. For those who continually try to deceive, God gives them over to strong delusion.
2 Thessalonians 2:10-13
11 And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:
12 That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.
Many Christians become confused into believing they should be pleasing men, instead of trusting God, and adhering to the truth. We also get accused of being selfish for taking care of ourselves, and for setting boundaries.
The bible does tell us to give up self and follow Christ. It does not tell us to give up self and become a people pleaser. The essence of love is truth, trust, and putting God in charge. All people are fallible, and without a secure foundation in God’s love, we can easily become rooted in fear, compliance, and a loss of self to forces that can destroy us. Keep in mind – we surrender self to God and no one else.
God’s love, and the love we have for family, and significant others will not be extinguished because we refuse to be people pleasers. There might be temporary rejection, and abandonment. But love is not conditional, and it will endure all things. God’s word places love above all else. Love is the light of the world, and will endure throughout eternity.
1 John 1:5
5 This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.
1 Corinthians 13:6-7
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Copyright Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West (2025). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.