Managing Grief – Life’s Greatest Difficulty
Grief is probably the most heart wrenching, depressing and deeply felt emotion most of us will ever experience. Yet we all do experience it at some point.
From my own experience, I now know how ill-equipped I was to handle the emotional roller coaster brought on by grief. I did things to make it worse and more chaotic, instead of stabilizing my emotions.
The worst thing we can do is turn to alcohol or drugs of any sort. Sometimes a short period of a prescribed drug might help people get past a crisis. We are all different. Many people can manage a brief time of using medication, without it turning into a full blown addiction. But since we are at our most vulnerable, we are very susceptible to using some form of crutch, or escapism to cope with overwhelming grief.
The more stable our childhood foundation, the more likely we can maintain some stability while grieving, because we have something to fall back on. But if we are lacking a strong foundation, we are at risk of turning to addiction.
If the death was unexpected, a young person, traumatic, accidental, and especially if it was a suicide, the grief is much more difficult to manage. It is a time when we must be kind to ourself, yet we are inclined to do the opposite.
Self destructive behaviours are the opposite of being kind to yourself. There is a difference between wallowing in pity, self destruction, addiction, and escapism, versus being kind enough to actually take care of yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
When we lose a loved one unexpectedly, the rug is torn out from under us. We desperately want to go back to normal, and then realize, there is no more normal. Perhaps there never was.
Grief comes in waves. It settles for awhile, and then recurs with a vengeance, threatening to drown us in another onslaught of despair. One of the most difficult emotions associated with grief is guilt.
We reminisce, and because we are all flawed in some ways, lose patience, have conflicts, get fed up, or just become absorbed in the day to day activities that keeps us so busy – suddenly none of those things matter. We feel guilty over things we said, and over what we didn’t say. We might feel guilt because we did not recognize or have empathy for what was going on with the person who died.
But here’s the thing. The person who has died, will always be with us. Everyone leaves an indelible mark in this world. Often it is in a small way they probably never realized. I remember years ago, asking my niece, who was a terrific gourmet cook, what kind of knife she would recommend.
She told me that in her opinion Shun made the absolute best knives. I really had no idea, but I took her advice and bought a Shun utility knife. That was probably twenty years ago at least. She was right. It is the best knife, and I still use it every single day. It reminds me of her, and what a great cook she was.
There are countless ways a person stays with us. Yet at the same time, they are gone from this world. As Christians we have the assurance we will be resurrected when Christ returns.
In 1 Corinthians the Apostle Paul gave reassurance and comfort to those who were grieving loved ones who had died. He knew how much heartache it caused, and he wanted to offer hope and the promise of seeing them again. 1 Corinthians 15:26
26 The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.
1 Corinthians 15:42-47 and 50-55
42 So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption:
43 It is sown in dishonour; it is raised in glory: it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power:
47 The first man is of the earth, earthy: the second man is the Lord from heaven.
51 Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
53 For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.
55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
These verses tell us we are far from perfect while we live on this earth. It does not give us an excuse to sin, or continue in our sin. But it does give us an honest appraisal of our own weakness and corruption.
But more so, it gives us hope to have the trials and tribulations of this world overcome by the grace of God, and what Christ did for us on the cross. Only Christ can overcome death on our behalf.
The bible tells us God knows the beginning from the end, and the end from the beginning. He knows His people long before we are born. He knows when we will die long before we actually die.
Therefore all our guilt is in vain. We do not control when another person will die. Up until MAID people had no control over when they would die. For most of us, we still don’t really know. But God knows.
Christ had tremendous compassion for those who were grieving. The bible talks about widows, understanding the loss and lifelong struggles to follow. Jesus grieved when people died, and he saw the grief others experienced. When He was here on this earth, there were times he intervened, and raised people from the dead, or healed people who were about to die.
Christ’s resurrection is central to our belief and hope in the gospel. His resurrection is a promise of our own resurrection. In 1 Corinthians Paul made it clear that we cannot deny the resurrection of Christ, nor can we deny what it means for us, and those who died before us.
If I could go back and change my own dysfunctional reaction to grief, I would. The main thing I would do is read the bible, and trust God, instead of wallowing in emotional despair, without a foundation. Even though I was a believer, I was not reading the bible, and was not well grounded or stable.
All the daily routines that help keep us stable, such as diet, fresh air, and most importantly sleep, can help. I find the Scourby KJV bible reading to be an exceptional way to help with sleeplessness, guilt, and not knowing the future. I wish I would have started listening to the audio bible years ago.
I know there are many audio bible readers, and versions. I have listened to portions of some others, but I like the tone and cadence of Scourby’s voice. It has just enough intonational patterns to make it come alive, without losing the lower cadence in the more mellow verses.
You can keep the audio bible handy on your desktop, laptop or phone, and turn it on quietly at night if you wake up, and can’t sleep.
You can also listen to certain books of the bible read by Alexander Scourby on YouTube. For a period of time, I listened to the YouTube versions, but some of the readings had ads, so I decided to buy the audio KJV version read by Scourby, so I don’t have to search YouTube for it, or deal with ads, which almost seems sacrilegious depending on the ad.
Grief is not always about losing a loved one to death. Sometimes it is about the loss of the use of a limb, or ability to communicate. Sometimes it is the loss of relationships, or the hardening of hearts against us.
It can be major financial losses, or the realization that all we strived for was in vain. It is in the recognition of how we wasted not only money, and real estate, but more so, how we wasted years of our life.
These regrets come about from wallowing in grief, or circumstances of the past, or the fickle foolishness of chasing a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow that disappears every time you get near it.
We cannot realistically say that none of it matters. As long as we are alive we do have responsibilities, to ourselves, our neighbours and our community. We have to cook, clean, take the garbage out, and plan our days to be productive. We are supposed to be thankful, and praise God as we go about our days.
If we focus on the future God has promised those who trust in Him, and if we count our blessings, knowing He knows all things. If we listen to and read His word, and pray for those we love, for their well being, and salvation, we will be okay.
Each morning I pray for each and every member of my family, my children, grandchildren, my siblings, nieces and nephews, and all the extended family. With regards to family, I know the hardships, and misfortunes they have faced. I pray God will heal all wounds. We all have different coping mechanisms, and sometimes we cannot understand ourselves, let alone each other.
I also pray for my neighbours, and ask God to keep the peace among us. The second commandment is to love our neighbour as ourself. When the power of these words sink in, we realize how important it is to love our neighbours, even though it might seem impossible at times. Matthew 22:36-40
36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
All the self-help books, or prescription medication in the world, will not solve our spiritual emptiness. Only Christ can do that for us. It is a gift, and is not based on our own merit. The more self shrinks, the more room there is for the gospel of Christ, and the Holy Spirit to help us live our lives in peace. Tribulation makes us more patient.
Romans 5:1-6
1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
In Hebrews the bible tells us we all have an appointment with death. To me, this confirms God knows when we will die, probably before we are even born. So as far as feeling guilty about a loved one who has died, it is an emotion to let go of, because we have no control over the appointment for another person’s death.
We can and should repent of sins, and take responsibility for what we did do, and what we did have control over. But as far as the untimely, accidental, sickness, and ultimate death of a loved one – we have no control. We have to give it to God, and trust Him with all our heart and soul. He will make it better, and teach us patience in the process.
For all those who are grieving, trust in Jesus, and He will help you through it. May God in his mercy, give you peace, love, and hope, during dark and difficult times.
Copyright Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West (2025). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Valerie J. Hayes and Quiet West with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.